take a bite of my heart tonight.

happy place

2011-02-17T23:00:00.002+08:00

i can't explain the state of euphoria i'd be in if i was given free reign in a bakery, like the one pictured above, and allowed to take a bite or two or three!!! out of everything on display! see that up there? lemon cream slices, caramel fudge... meringue pies, marshmallow nougats, raspberry tartlets... i know i'd feel so guilty after but omg... i would be so so so so happy i'd probably be tearing at the sheer happy sight of it!!!

january

2011-01-27T21:14:00.004+08:00

my plan b in life is to be a diving instructor. i love phi phi island! god knows why i feel emotionally attached to that place. i love the sea and being underwater so much that i can't wait for my next dive.

eclat

2011-01-07T22:01:00.003+08:00

i went for a chemical peel on monday and the scab hasn't fully healed yet!!! i know i'm slightly over-reacting since it's only the size of a 20 cent coin and is just moderately pinkish, but the slightest imperfection on my face really gets me stressed up. plus i'll be going for a trip to phi phi island and with all the sun and sand and water, i really don't want to have to wear concealer or makeup to cover that small blotch, but having it uncovered is making me feel so vexed!!! i've just been staying out of the sun, applying sunblock religiously and spamming myself with vitamins and protein in hopes that a miracle will happen and that my skin will be back to its original perfect condition by this sunday. those who know me will understand... especially so if you've seen how much i freak out when i get a single zit. can't believe i just spent 5 minutes rambling about the blotch. i should stop giving it so much attention and ignore it so it'll stop being so stubborn and go away!!!

attending kevin's passing out parade tomorrow!!! excited to see my man in uniform!!!

breathing

2010-12-07T00:16:00.004+08:00

about this time in january this year i took my first plane ride alone. i bought the ticket via my phone and got my luggage packed in under 5 minutes. it was morning on a school day and i still had classes at noon, but i found it in me to just go. i couldn't even remember if i was thinking straight, but i knew i just had to go away, somewhere. when i reached the destination, i remember breathing in the air. it was chilly and it shot up my nose with a stiff blow, as though with purpose to jolt me into realizing that i am away now.

do you know what it feels like, to vacillate between the lines of living and acceptance of impending death? to draw an arc around yourself and watch the world through another perspective. to know that you are going to die is the surest way to see the things around you as they are, to know clearly in your heart what you need to do and block out everything else that is second rate in importance.

i was alone in the hotel room and it felt like shit, and i relive that memory again and again. and when i look back at it now, when i look back at everything now i feel like i felt like shit for nothing. i wish i could repair history by going back and showing you how happy we are now. how in love you are now.

those memories hurt so much that i need to relive them. i need to go back. i need to take the flight and go back to the hotel, that room, to really believe that this time everything is totally different, and we'll get what we want this time around.

i am so happy when you said that you want me to be your first only girlfriend and wife. but what i want is you to tell me that our love, our relationship is so solid that nothing can ever destroy it.

gravity

2010-11-25T23:40:00.005+08:00

i want to go to paris, again. the air there is fresher, the water is sweeter and the pigeons are fatter. i've never felt so magnetically pulled towards a destination, ever! i want to walk for hours on end from one place to the other with absolutely nowhere in particular to go, eat cherries in the park and feed bits of my pain au chocolat to the pigeons on the street. the most romantic thing a guy can ever do for me is to propose at the eiffel tower. ever! :)

road between

2010-11-20T18:45:00.002+08:00

i am haunted by the past and what a general nightmare it was. everything in my life is going on great now but i'm just suppressing my feelings regarding this. i need to talk about it. we are so happy now... but you left me then. why did you even leave me in the first place? can anyone ever understand how emotionally nerve-wrecking the painful roller coaster ride of shoving your dignity aside and wearing your ego down from stone to sand is, trying to convince the guy who left you to stop texting and having crushes on other girls because you love him so? all these times four! repeated four times with four different girls. that was then but the emotional scars are still here! i remember every one of them so well and it eats me up inside. and it was all for nothing... the worst experience ever. where did i even find the courage (or foolishness) then to keep pushing towards you when all you did was shove me away repeatedly? it was horrible. i still dream about it. it is in the back of my head, repeating like clockwork every now and then and i can't block out the ticking. why did you leave me then? why do you want me now? is this for real? can i ever forget this? what changed? why did your mind change? will i ever get the answers?

A.B.S.S

2010-11-03T11:38:00.002+08:00

of course i remember. i don't think i can ever really forget. i can't ever stop remembering.

october

2010-10-10T10:39:00.003+08:00

i could buy anything i want for myself, but where's the meaning in that? sometimes it's not about already having everything you need- but to have someone special give it to you... then the item is not just something else you bought just 'cos you liked it, it becomes something someone special gave to me. that's the treasure in it; it has worth. because when you look at it you think, "someone actually loves and thinks of me this much to get me this." that's why i don't fancy the opal ring i bought for myself because apart from having monetary and face value, it has nothing else. money can buy only temporary happiness.

a very real illusion

2010-10-05T10:36:00.003+08:00

the transience of life is both inspiring and terrifying at the same time and our bodies are to earth what our souls are to heaven.

tea

2010-07-16T11:01:00.002+08:00

i am panicking because i sort of have to wear pants to work. or jeans... but i hate pants. as much as i hate ants! they make me feel short, ugly, claustrophobic and i can't think when i'm wearing pants. daisy dukes are my best friend... oh god, what am i going to do? leggings are an option, but i just can't stand the feeling of anything wrapping around the entirety of my gams. when i wear pants i feel like my legs are going numb. i rather rub my nose in cat shit than wear pants. i think i've got my point across :( what should i do? i think i'll just give leggings a chance at work tomorrow with my dr. martens. you know, take that leap of faith.

the past week has been fun. kevin and i tried cooking various dishes (pasta carbonara, watercress puree and poached egg soup, french onion soup, steak and wedges, strawberry cupcakes) but i have the flu so i couldn't really taste most of the flavors. we went to watch inception and despicable me yesterday! inception was great but despicable me was bordering on lame.

pepper is growing humongous!!!

k

2010-07-14T14:42:00.002+08:00

more than just my boyfriend. you like.. my arm. or my eyes. something i need to function.

stardust

2010-07-06T00:35:00.004+08:00

breakfast is my favorite meal because it kinda sets the mood for the rest of the day, so it's one of my favorite things to have someone bring me breakfast in the morning. whether it's just a pb&j sandwich or an elaborate omelette it always makes me feel tingly and warm inside. i guess it's a nice change since no one has really done that for me before... but it's really nice. like i could curl up into a corner and fuzz up into a thousand cotton balls. it's like someone saying i've been dreaming about you the whole night and when i wake up the first thing i want to do is make you brekkie so i can see you. i finally know what it feels like.

mme

2010-07-04T16:44:00.004+08:00

yesterday evening on a long bus ride to nowhere in particular, i discovered that the golden village app on my phone allows seat reservation for movies! so i decided to book myself a seat for........ eclipse! because i really wanna watch and no one else is ever free. josh ended up tagging along and we went to chill at anya's after that. i made banana yogurt smoothies for them. healthy yum yum.

watched letters to juliet today and it was great. it made me want to appreciate the people who love me more. to have someone think you are the most beautiful even when there are others around is indeed something amazing... i guess that's something alot of people wish for, and since i have that i should treasure it. nothings feels better than being loved, to know that no matter what happens, there will be someone who'll stand by you, whether your hair is frizzy or if your legs aren't long enough... or whether you're wearing the right type of clothes or not. because i believe that when you're old and graying, it'll take alot more than just love to keep two people together through difficult times.

goon

2010-07-03T15:24:00.005+08:00

i went a little too hard on tabasco with breakfast and now my tongue is burning, but it feels good! last night saw cynthia, christie, kevin and i going to mulligans at clarke quay to catch the 10pm match. i ordered my favorite magner's apple beer but only managed half of it because i really had to wee after that and really didn't want to leave my seat and miss part of the game.

gonna go have a super late brunch at choupinette. i need a structured routine in my life now cos i am getting tired of alot of things. will anyone ever understand?

road

2010-07-01T23:40:00.001+08:00

ughhhhhhhhgggg super painful i wish i could just crawl up into a corner with someone warm to hug.

le bom bom

2010-07-01T19:04:00.004+08:00

look what the cat brought in.

chef le bunny!!! with a post it note saying "because bunnies are prettier than bears." haha erpz... my favourite part of her is the ribbon on her ear and her chic french flag dress. and the chef uniform. with the chef's hat. i wish i was 5 again so i can bring her everywhere.

this weekend brit, yk, me and chef le bunny are going for the best buffet in singapore at melt the world cafe! i would probably starve myself starting from now till saturday (jk) because bringing me to a buffet is not worth the money. but it is dubbed the best buffet in singapore by ladyironchef. i could eat the protein and seafood so it's s'okay. i'm just looking forward to taking pictures.

db

2010-06-30T17:06:00.002+08:00

i quit my job after the first day because the boss was becoming too over friendly. i shall not elaborate, but i really don't like guys getting too close. my idea of personal space is a 0.25m circle radius around me and i don't think that i'm being obnoxious... :(

PAIN AU CHOCOLAT- one of those regrets i have in my life. i went all the way to paris, ate at laduree, and never once did i bring myself to eat a pain au chocolat. it's like coming to singapore and not eating chilli crab. 2 years on i still kick myself inside for not doing so. why didn't i? why didn't i??? i walked past so many bakeries selling it and the price was only about 1.5 euros apiece. why didn't i? my life is not complete.

i went to see a physiotherapist today because my hip kept making this weird disjointed rollover movement whenever i went rollerblading for too long. apprently it was nothing serious, just something that resulted from ballet dancing. i can do a very wide turnout, too wide, the other name being over-flexibility. c'est la vie- the people that want it don't and the people that don't, have it.

hmm.

2010-06-30T00:55:00.001+08:00

The reason why the "expectations" level in relationships inevitably crashes – although it can and often does mellow into true love after the crash – is because it is wholly narcissistic: it doesn’t include the other person. It does not permit the other person to be a person, but only a reflection of our own fondest self-images. It doesn’t allow the other person space to be real – to have feelings of his or her own.

For example, is our partner permitted to have sex with whomever he / she wishes? Is our partner even permitted to be sexually turned on by anyone but us? Is our partner permitted to tell us that we are not a satisfying lover? The list could go on and on. Only sexual expectations are mentioned here because those are practically universal, but we have all sorts of other fences we try to erect around our partners to keep them pristine and unsullied for us – expectations that they will agree with us about money, child raising, career, religion, etc.; expectations that they will forego making their own decisions in order to support us.

The expectations level must eventually crash under its own weight by sheer exhaustion. When people are involved with one another in an approval agreement, or any agenda that is not love, then everyone has to work overtime in order to convince the other or to convince oneself; and this is painful to bear.

The expectations level would be problematical and contradictory enough if it were the only level on which we relate with other people. Unfortunately, there are two deeper levels which actually govern the course of our relationships, and these deeper levels contradict the expectations level.

The level which underlies and controls the expectations level, which assures that the expectations level will eventually crash, or be maintained in great suffering, is the conditioning level. It’s the level of our basic conditioning by society, which is to hate ourselves. Beneath the glitter and glory of our expectations, our self-images, is the grim truth that we are actually ashamed of ourselves. We are taught to be dissatisfied with ourselves by our parents and society.

Whereas the expectations level is set up so that people will be "nice" to each other (make the agreement: "I won’t expose you as a liar and phony if you won’t expose me as a liar and phony"), the conditioning level is set up to divide people, to make them fear and distrust each other. We are not trained to relate intimately with one another, but rather to wage war upon one another – to feel hurt, jealous, competitive, critical; to pick at each other and bend each other out of shape – rather than to be happy and accepting. The parent / child relationship is the basic war setup; the man / woman war is grafted on top.

While on an expectations level we tell ourselves that what we want is to live happily ever after, we are conditioned by our society to hate ourselves and to deny ourselves the very love which we consciously tell ourselves that we are seeking. We are trained by our parents to hate ourselves in precisely the same fashion in which our parents hated themselves.

The conditioning level is the level which psychotherapy addresses (unfortunately, after the damage is already done). We are so overwhelmed by our parents when we are little – so awed by their divinity – that we are afraid to express, or allow ourselves to feel openly, anger at them, or any other feeling of which they would not approve – which contradicts their expectations. Thus our parents’ expectations level becomes our conditioning level.

Society calls infatuation with our own self-images "love"; and so on an expectations level we tell ourselves that we are going into relationships to get "love"; whereas on a conditioning level we are going into relationships to deny ourselves love – to pinpoint, through the mirroring of another person, precisely how we ourselves are incapable of giving and receiving love.

One might well wonder why people would want to reenact the situations out of their childhood which brought them the most pain and trauma. The reason is that those wounds never healed properly. They are still raw and suppurating, and extremely tender to the touch. Only by tearing those wounds back open again and cleaning out all the dreck, the self-hatred, can a true healing occur. And only by staging a situation similar to the one which produced those wounds originally can the wounds be reopened (actually this isn’t the only way of doing it; there are far more skillful ways of doing it, such as Active Imagination. However, this is the most popular way of doing it).

Just as on the expectations level our goal is the validation of our images, on the conditioning level our goal is to recreate all the emotional turmoil our parents inflicted on us, but this time around to grab the brass ring of love which our parents denied us.

Up until recently society has had the fifth Commandment and a raft of social sanctions in place against examining the conditioning level too closely. Freud was one of the first to take a good, hard look at this level of human interaction. And at the present time there are lots of good popular books available on the subject of toxic parents, how we all marry our father or mother, and seek in marriage the precise same hurt and nonfulfillment which our principle caregivers made us feel in infancy.

3:1

2010-06-28T13:45:00.002+08:00

at 1.45am last night...

a: you are hungry?

me: super.

a: girls soccer night and grilled chicken omelettes?

me: okay!!!

a: coming to get you in 5 minutes.

so we ended up watching the argentina vs mexico match wearing nacho hats. eggs are my life now. stop tempting me with omelettes!!!

nom

2010-06-28T01:34:00.003+08:00

suddenly overwhelmed with hunger (was thinking about eggs haha) and it's keeping me up :( went to ransack the kitchen but there's only bread (carbs), bananas (carbs) and cup noodles (no way 13g of fat). ended up drinking half a glass of milk. still hungry! think i'll just sleep it off now...

1.1

2010-06-25T02:22:00.000+08:00

When I saw you for the first time it was the start of base year at school. I had a donut in hand for brunch but I gave it to you because you look hungry. We were strangers. You were sharing a jar of Nutella with your friend because she was crying. If anybody would just take an extra moment to look you in the eye they would know why I am much in love with you. Your gift, B, is that you see people for who they are at the core. You look deep in. When you look me in the eye I feel like I am standing naked on a stage infront of a room full of people. Your gaze is intense, will you ever know?

3 years passed and I love you every minute. I have observed you so much and see the way you changed as a person into a lady. "You are every facet of a diamond, every stamen of a mimosa". That is the phrase I use to describe you to my friends and famile. You are so independent sometimes even I can't keep up, but you crave love and care too, I know that. You are so daring, so adventurous, so shy. I have seen you blush so many times speaking in public, at the same time I have seen you impress bosses with your gut and persona, going for interviews in slippers and getting hired when other applicants were dolled up in heels and jackets. They see your sincerity and potential, B. If they are smart enough they would.

You are both sides of the coin, one of the boys but also feminin. Charming. You hold your own so well. Remember the many times we debated issues? You exhausted every ounce of me throwing facts and figures across the table, the knowledge of the world you have cannot be compared to any one else I know. You can talk about everything. You know something about everything. So many impressed because of your tenacity. I didn't even know what the word tenacity was until my father used it to describe you.

I Love You because you are so much like me, only more. A female counterpart. But I am like him, almost exactly the same as well. That does not make us three pears in a pod. The thing here is that I feel the way I do for you. Why do you waste time on someone just like me when I am here? I joke often about l'idiot who will spend his life in circles searching for the girl who fits him to perfection, because she is right infront of him. But I don't take to heart because his loss is my gain. Whatever. You are the most mysterious and unique girl I know and I will be here for you as long as it takes. I think you know how hard it was for me saying all these in english. Give up on him, because if he never loses you he will never change.

I call you Belle because your difference is what makes you so beautiful. CHOISISSEZ MOI!!!!

se a vida e

2010-06-24T12:28:00.005+08:00

sometimes when people piss me off, i just imagine a lion suddenly giving them a menacing huge ass roar in their face and how much they will jump up and pee in their pants half scared to death. then i laugh it off.

cyclo

2010-06-21T21:50:00.003+08:00

i see a sail of gold and green

with water bursting at its seams

i see the sun and stars at once

they light my nights when nights begun

the sun then told the stars of me

in bright daylight he's all she sees

till day is night and night is day

her day and knight

your night and they

guess who

2010-06-21T00:17:00.004+08:00

this is not the usual person posting ;] for my belle.

“People are looking for the wrong things,” says Lori Gottlieb, author of Marry Him: The Case For Settling For Mr. Good Enough. “You should have high standards. But people are too picky about the things that are not important — and not picky enough about the things that are.”

So, then, how do you determine what is truly important and what isn’t? Many people are willing to concede — or, at least, they know they should concede — that looks, really, are only skin deep. Yet they still, explicitly or reflexively, rule out (for example) short guys, tall girls or people with weird laughs. “They say things like, ‘That’s just not what I’m attracted to,’” says dating coach, author of Why You’re Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not to Get Mad. “But maybe attraction isn’t the most important thing.” That doesn’t mean you give up on lust, passion, or even simple chemistry. It just means you may not feel it like a lightning bolt when you walk into the First Date Café and that you should at least give it a chance to develop — even with people you may not consider your “type.”

Why? Because then you can focus on what is important. Not the person “on paper” or in a vacuum, but on the relationship you can potentially build with someone. “If you say, ‘Grandma, what’s the secret of your relationship?’ she doesn’t say, ‘Grandpa is smoking hot,’” Katz says. “It’s the ‘boring’ stuff. The trust, laughter, honesty, compassion and shared values. You need to remember that you’re making an investment for 40 years, not three months. Who’s going stick by you to raise children or when you get sick or a parent dies? That’s the character stuff that only partially reveals itself on date one. You need to look at what’s going to endure after the initial ‘thrill’ is gone.”

Gottlieb agrees. She herself wound up falling for a guy who — had she not ultimately followed her own advice — she would have ruled out based on his profile photo alone. “What kind of a dork wears a bow tie?” she initially thought, but, pushing past her prejudices, she found out the offending accessory was part of a story about his family that made her like him even more. And even if there hadn’t been a great story, Gottlieb says, it still would have been fine: “So what, a little fashion faux pas? Is that the kind of thing that makes your marriage unhappy?”

lime

2010-06-20T13:27:00.002+08:00

friday has been renamed pepper! which doesn't really make a difference because she doesn't really know her name yet anyway. she smells like sour cream and she likes chewing on my hair. every time i look at her i think of christina aguilera's beautiful. she has a bad skin problem now that will take a long time to heal and for her fur to grow back. she's hairless at some parts and kinda wrinkly. but she has the softest paw pads and the sweetest eyes, and every time i prop her up to a mirror to tell her she looks beautiful, the pushes her nose into my cheek and gives me a kiss (: i'm gonna make sure she grows up healthy.

wooly

2010-06-20T01:14:00.004+08:00

i am in love, with my new hoodie... it's from gap, but that's not why i love it. it has calico sewn onto the inner buttonhole panel and the fabric is so soft and fuzzy. and instead of a traditional zip closure it has nice brown buttons. it's unpretentious. and i'm gonna wear it to sleep. hehe.

met up for lunch with sash, brit and fang today! i had a small plate of baked scallops and mussels with mozzarella which were quite yum. sometimes i find it funny that among my close friends i'm known as the 'health freak' (and they are not afraid to call me that either). i remember when i was always the one they gave their veggies and stuff to, and they still ask me if i want theirs. which i didn't today, because it was sloshed in thousand island dressing. i had a fried potato wedge today and i'm still feeling guilty.

went for dinner with christie and friends at boat quay and we caught the match between netherlands and japan. i'm no soccer connoisseur but even i could tell the match was so slow... and the bar's service was so bad that kevin decided we shouldn't pay the service charge. i love it when he does stuff like that.

today anya took a look at me eating brekkie and remarked, "that's not breakfast, that's a cocktail of vitamin pills." and i had this strange, happy feeling. it was actually 1 evening primrose oil capsule, 2 zinc tablets, 3 apple cider vinegar and cayenne pepper tablets, 1 calcium tablet and 1 vitamic c effervescent. all washed down with apple cider vinegar water.

we

2010-06-17T00:45:00.002+08:00

i posted this on my blog in 2007:

"at 20 i want to travel the world; sample the wide array of cultures in cambodia, nibble on delish macarons and sip on a long black in france, trek the scenic mountains in oslo, say a prayer in the vatican city, see the whirling dervishes in turkey, people watch in london."

i have already done those that are highlighted in pink and i'm not 20 yet. i'll make time for london and the vatican. oslo is rather faraway.

"my thoughts are fucked
you are the poison"

"love is blind

love-
when a mother lovingly embraces her physically deformed child, caressing its wispy hair with sweet, tender care.

love-
when a 5 year old clings on to her dear teddy which is missing an eye, with matted fur and a bib stained with berry preserve.

love-
when a husband gazes upon his wife who has silvery stretch marks splayed across her belly, dimpled thighs and a full figure, and still think she's the fairest of them all.

love-
when walnut the golden retriever would wait for sally the three-legged pom to come by so he can give her his last chew bone.

because when you love, you have the ability to look past every fault, every blemish, ever scar.

to the extent that in your eyes there are no imperfections at all...

love is blind."

"I feel my soul ebb

A divine, sacrilegious rapture
A sickening scream, whipped cream
Glazed on my lips
Such distance, absolute unfamiliarity
I plunge, shriek, whimper
Towards a world of naught
I feign, contemplate
I fade"

"i always envisioned myself to live fast die young, live in paris spend my days painting by the river seine and all over the world, like a nomad, probably die of alcohol abuse at 29. but then now there's you, and i find myself wanting nothing else. not the whiff of freshly baked bagels at the patisserie down the street, high street shopping, not the caress of the wind up the alps, nothing. everything else is cloudy dull grey in comparison with you; you taste nicer than lychee martini ice cream. i've placed you on the highest of pedestals, the reddest red, the soul of my shell. i love you..."

"k and i went to build-a-bear today! he named it cherry and said she is the coolest bear ever. no way 'cos pumpkin is wayyyyyy cooler."

"advice from a friend:

there are many things that are good for you my dear.
but you made yourself like them because of him.
i knew you never liked rockclimbing but you were o-kay with it cos of him.
cos you wanna look like the girl whom your neighbor wants.
i know how it feels to please someone you love but ask yourself, are you gonna please him forever and then realise one day your efforts go to waste cos he found someone else?!
now you seem to be living because of him and not living for yourself.
nette, you really got to let this r/s go.
it's painful but you have to tell yourself that you cant waste your life away breaking and patching with a guy like him who doesnt even cherish you.
prolly this is a good time for you to think thru on your life and what you really need. of course if you meet the right guy, im really glad for you. but if you meet a guy who wants you to be who he dreams of having, then not worth it. he's mad."

"I think he can see through

Everything but my heart
First thought when I wake up is
My God, he's beautiful
So I put on my make-up
And pray for a miracle

Yes I could tell you
His favorite color's green
He likes to argue
Oh, and it kills me
He has his father's eyes
And if you ask me if I love him..
If you ask me if I love him.."

" i remember the very first word i used to describe you.

tan·ta·lize
to torment with, or as if with, the sight of something desired but out of reach; tease by arousing expectations that are repeatedly unfulfilled."

"when i grow up i want to wear agent provocateur and la perla
sleep in on sundays
breakfast replaced by brunch
sip on exotic teas from decadent fruits
walk around town in my hermes boots

when i grow up i'll be a globetrotter
the world will serve me what is has on a gilded platter
in india it'll be the taj mahal
in paris it'll be the tour eiffel

when i grow up i want to stay in the countryside
with the smell of spice from day till night
i'll milk the cows and dance with the flowers
prance in the rain like it's a golden shower

when i grow up i want to have you by my side
from the rooster in the morning to the stars in the night
love each other
till our love shines like light

when i grow up and you're still there with me
i don't need anything else
paragraphs one, two and three
will mean nothing at all to me"

"thank you to the architects who built this block

thank you to the real estate agent who recommended my parents this flat
thank you to my parents who chose the 18th storey
thank you to the creator of friendster
thank you to the inventor of msn
thank you to the bosses of fosters
thank you to the waitressing job vacancy
thank you fate"

"do you just look? or do you really see... i see you, entirely... the way your eyelashes curl more at the tips, the texture of your skin, hair, the structure of your collarbones, the unique shape of your spine, the faint whiff of your scent when the air blows towards me... the scent i love... i can tell your hands and toes from a thousand others if i had to... the way your eyebrows grow... what you want to do when you stand with your legs crossed..."

"Your perfect match is someone who values success, is a natural born leader and constantly works hard to improve themselves and their life. They will deeply appreciate your ability to make them feel special. This type of person loves admiration and your giving, loving and wonderfully kind nature will make you their perfect mate. Your match also enjoys biking, hiking, working out and eating healthy--taking care of their body is a priority to them and they always look their best.This person will always protect you and keep your best interests at heart- they really want to go the extra mile to make you happy. The top traits they are looking for in a mate is loyalty and trustworthiness.They love a good challenge and are visionaries. This can hinder them when falling in love because they are very driven to find "the one" and won't settle for less. However, once they fall in love with you, they will be very affectionate and are enthusiastic about the relationship."

"i ♥ it when we nap. but i don't sleep because i love hearing your heart beat when i press my face against your back. to feel your warmth, to have you so close. to take in every breath of you. the way you smell so familiar, so tender. i secretly whisper those three words in your ear, wishing you'd hear them in your sleep."

great grate

2010-06-16T23:28:00.003+08:00

today i was zesting a few limes to experiment on a new flavor for a batch of muffins. i just bought the professional grade grater (read: sharp like hell) and for a split second while grating i was too caught up in deep thought and... grated my thumb. it was not funny seeing slivers of my flesh behind the evil tool. it was so painful :'(

friends

2010-06-16T01:20:00.002+08:00

Phoebe: They’re gonna get through this, aren’t they?
Chandler: Yeah, come on, it’s Ross and Rachel, they’ve got too.
Monica: What if they don’t?
(Long pause.)

Ross: Okay, well here we are. Now we’re in a tough spot again, Rach. What do you want to do? How do you want to handle it? Huh? Do you wanna fight for us? Or, do you wanna bail? (sits down next to her) Look, I, (on the verge of tears) I did a terrible, stupid, stupid thing. Okay? And I’m sorry, I wish I could take it back, but I can’t. (We see Monica and Phoebe are almost in tears.) I just can’t see us throwing away something we know is so damn good. Rachel, I love you so much.

Ross: Look, look, there’s got to be a way we can work past this. Okay, (takes a hold of one of her arms.) I can’t imagine, I can’t imagine my life without you. (Both of them are starting to cry.) Without, without these arms, and your face, and this heart. Your good heart Rach, (drops to his knees and hugs her around her waist) and, and....

white

2010-06-15T21:47:00.004+08:00

i feel excited and i have butterflies in my stomach. i feel like all i can do is stand up and walk around non-stop. my hands are shaking as i type this... you know when you have to make a big life decision, like i don't know... applying for your first real job, buying your first house or getting married? this is it. i just made a complete 180 degree turn in the opposite direction of my life path. all the way through coldplay has held my hands through my ears, and i am nervous and flustered but one thing for sure is that... this is it. i haven't been surer of anything else in my entire life. i want to do this.

i have decided not to take my degree in fashion textiles.

i just applied for an advanced culinary placement diploma with at-sunrice.

will i get it? i don't now. but do i want it? i sure do. this is it... i actually have a passion for this, sweet lord.

where will this bring me? i don't know... but i want to do this for me, myself and i. for so long i've revolved my life around something that wasn't me and planned my time around someone... making this first decision just for myself is just so liberating.

this was how my night began...

i was wandering along raffles place (i wander around alot. especially when i am thinking about things like you-know-what. i like to walk around and go where the wind takes me). so i chanced upon alcova, a pretty decent resto-bar at market street. i don't normally like to dine at restaurants when i am alone but i don't know what exactly drew me to the place. maybe it was the predominantly white decor, maybe it was the way it looked- chic yet classy but ultimately casual, or maybe the moon was in its 5th phase and the stars and my fate conjured a magnetic force and pulled me in.

i ordered scallops dressed with yuzu juice and a salmon tataki with spicy bean paste. and then a knight riding a white horse suddenly appeared beside my table and swept me off my feet... i was in love. their menu is distinctly fusion possibly to cater to the general local taste but it was so sophisticated, and so good.

i really believe fate drew me there because (perhaps because i was dining alone?) the chef came out and asked me what i thought about the food. so i told him how i felt, and he told me about his culinary experiences that spanned years over different parts of the globe. i was hooked! i told him about what i wanted to do in future and he simply said, "if you love something, go head on for it. blood and tears are what will make your dishes taste unique in future." it was so funny and heartwarming, it's something i will never forget.

he even commented that he thought i was really gutsy and passionate for someone so small (in size). and for someone who has been feeling pretty worthless for a long time now, that really brought a smile to my face.

wish me well?

here

2010-06-15T00:53:00.003+08:00

you know it's not right when your life feels like something you'd read on a gossip girl script. i hate gossip, i hate drama and i hate rumors. assumptions, accusations. my only dream in life is to have a nice family of my own and live on a ranch where i can do things like ride horses and milk cows, plant my own vegetables okay? that is my biggest dream. i can forgo the cafe, but not this. because family is the most important thing on earth. i am not interested in drama, tears or lies and betrayal. i want to spend my weekends baking and painting whatever that needs to be painted, i don't need to go out shopping. i can do without the money or the bling. i am not interested in getting rich. i don't even want to marry someone who's rich. i just want my life simple and contented, surrounded by people who care about each other and have faith and understanding towards each other. yes you see my multiple tattoos, what kind of stereotype do you immediately try to fit me into? some hippy rebellious wild child? someone who's to open for her own good? that's the farthest from what i am. i don't even like guys getting too close to me. i don't cuss or swear because i have manners. every month a part of my allowance goes to charity.

but why is it now i feel that there is no point being nice? girls that are mean to their boyfriends, call them names or ask them to pay for everything get guys who are more than happy so answer to their every beck and call. and all i want is for someone who can love me for the way i am. am i so bad?

to be told your forehead is too high, your eyebrows too thin, your cheeks to fat, your belly too fat, that you need to lose weight, that you're not tall enough... straight to your face by the only person you love... how does that feel? i don't know how it feels anymore because it has happened so many times that i don't think i actually can feel anything else other than a numb stab straight through my heart. and i blame myself, why can't i look prettier? and all this time i hate myself for the way i am. like no one cares about how you are inside. am i so horrible?

i haven't cried in a very long time. not because i haven't been sad all along, it's just that this time it feels like rock bottom. you crossed the line.

20

2010-06-12T21:50:00.003+08:00

i wanted to save these for fathers' day, but they are too sweet to wait.

toothache

2010-06-11T21:03:00.003+08:00

i have a toothache!!! my molars are growing out and it's a pain because all i can think of is pulling out the tooth myself but then again i can't see it yet :( maybe if i have this le creuset heart shaped casserole pot sitting on my stove now i will feel better? hahaha. sigh what have i become? every other girl i know wishes to have more clothes or shoes and here am i lusting after a..... pot.

going fishing in thailand soon! hope we'll be able to catch a fat, giant catfish. this time it'll be catch/release. if you're not going to eat the fish there's no sense in keeping it. we're also going to have to learn how to quickly reel the fish in to remove the hook and return it back into the water so it'll still be strong enough to swim and not get too exhausted :) i like fishing alot! i miss the times dad used to bring me fishing almost every week to lots of different places, and how i used to spend evenings at home sitting beside him while he sorts out his big box of fishing tools and show me different ways to tie hooks. now that he hardly goes fishing, i can have all the gear to myself... haha :)

rustic open berry tart

2010-06-10T16:21:00.004+08:00

when i took this tart out of the oven i wanted to laugh because of the way the cherries and blackberries look all melded at the top(funny). it looks exactly like how it's supposed to look, i guess that's why it is called the rustic open berry tart. the filo pastry was yumz in all its flaky buttery goodness. the problem now is that i have one more tart sitting in the oven with no imminent chance of getting devoured.

i'm gonna wake up early tomorrow to make my mom pancakes because it's her last day of work. haha happy semi- retirement! now it's time for you to work it and keep all the surfaces dust free and stop being a pack rat and don't just stay at home and surf facebook in your room with the aircon on!!!

lovecats

2010-06-10T10:44:00.003+08:00

We should have each other to tea

We should have each other with cream

Then curl up by the fire

And sleep for awhile

It's the grooviest thing

It's the perfect dream

straum

2010-06-10T10:34:00.000+08:00

sea

2010-06-09T19:33:00.004+08:00

i went to pantry magic at chip bee gardens today and this is my haul. clockwise from left: jamie oliver magazines, rubber spatula, rubber pastry brush, grater, silicone oven gloves, bone and piggy cookie cutters and a wooden chopping board. i'm gonna devour the magazines straight after this!

resolution

2010-06-09T13:13:00.003+08:00

what do you call a cafe-restaurant? i have no idea. cafes are commonly coffee houses that feature small bites like cakes and breakfasts on their menu. a restaurant is where you eat a proper meal on proper tables and chairs, with folded napkins and utensils neatly arranged. what i want to have in future is a cross between the two. a hybrid, in a sense. i want a laid back, cosy place with just enough class for patrons to feel special, but not uptight enough to make you feel like you have to wear pants and shoes to dine. people wouldn't have to worry about not knowing which fork to use- they can eat with their hands if they want (i love eating with my hands). i want the menu to be eclectic, featuring flavors from around the world. the food will be substantial. unique, stylish but not strict. homely. you won't have to pronounce complexed french words. it'll be a place where people can come and have meals by themselves and not feel out of place. desserts the menu will all serve a purpose and not be there like an afterthought (like a lone scoop of ice cream or just a slice of cake).

i'm a foodie, you know? my best and worst memories are associated with food. daddy used to without fail, bring me slices of cake in flavors i like every day when i was in primary school. all the way from work he'd drive to my school to bring me that piece of divine for lunch and sit with me till i finished it. i love and will never forget, it still brings me near to tears when i think of it. and i hate pancakes with blueberries in them because someone close to me used my treasured recipe (one which i experimented and tried and tested countless times myself to achieve undivided fluffiness) to make blueberry pancakes for another girl. haha... i wanted to drown him in batter.

and nothing gets me down more than eating bad food. sometimes it makes me feel like crying (can't believe i wasted my calories on that). mostly i think of ways to make it better. i want to marry a chef so he can make me divine breakfasts and come up with dishes inspired by me (doesn't take a lot to make me happy, haha!). so after being in deep thought for quite some time i think i'll go with the culinary route instead of just learning how to bake desserts. because you can't eat desserts for b/l/d (i mean i can, but i figure the general populous wouldn't fancy that) (because sooner or later you'll become diabetic).

so from now this is my resolution!

every week from now i'll explore making 3 different types of dishes from various origins and 1 type of dessert. it'll be great because i can experiment with different sorts of ingredients and i'll get to photograph the process/end product (and finally make good use of the 50mm lens piggy got me!) i am stoked!

off to get myself a food processor now!

make love to something innocent

2010-06-08T22:00:00.003+08:00

cambodia was good and really eye-opening. i honestly feel stronger now about how much excess we all have in our lives and the prevalent consumerist attitudes bending towards making us want more and more of what we don't actually need.

my favourite part of the trip was sihanoukville!!! i like the laid back easy going beach living kinda drift. what i didn't like was eating at the beach because houseflies were aplenty. 5-6 houseflies are fine, but when you have like 15 swarming around you while you're eating it got kinda pesky. in a fun way because can you imagine? we had to constantly wave one hand to shoo the flies away while holding the spoon with the other. human versus fly. they were HUGE.

the ride on the bamboo train was the best train ride i've had in my life. better than any air conditioned smrt train or the rer-s of the parisian metro. we had to stop to let the cows cross the tracks. it was one hour of heaven :) they are pulling out the tracks in the coming month to make way for a modern train service that would operate across asia :(

one of the highlights of the trip was the side effects of the anti-malaria pill we were taking which gave us super bad stomach aches/diarrhea after we stopped eating it (because apparently incidence of malaria was low). it saw us waking up in the middle of the night and going to the toilet 4-5 times, running out at 3am to buy toilet paper and vitagen. it was a pain, but i enjoyed it because it was funny.

one night i couldn't sleep and kevin was semi-asleep and he suddenly said stop shaking the bed!!! well i wasn't shaking the bed, in fact i was trying not to move because he had one arm on my shoulder and i didn't wanna wake him. so who shook the bed? creepy right? thank god it was the last night...

up next, hongkong-macau in july. i'm contemplating going to kuala lumpur on the 20th with my mom because she has a church camp on and i have nothing to do anyway so i can probably wander around. thank you to the one up above for giving me the chance to travel.

x

2010-05-18T23:12:00.000+08:00

All the trouble for something that would probably end up being nothing.

Love

2010-05-17T03:07:00.003+08:00

Once I was at Starbucks waiting for someone to finish work, and saw an old couple holding hands..talking to their friend. They were about 75 years old but what struck me was how loving they still were towards each other. The old man would hold his wife's hand and smile at her with eyes that looked like there was nothing else in the room he cared about, and handed her a cup of coffee but not without first making sure it was not too hot. Everytime something funny was brought up during their conversation, they would look at each other with a knowing laugh. It was as if their friend wasn't there at all. It was so sweet... That's the kind of love I want. To have just that one person holding my hand and being close, until we're both old and graying. And at 3:18am now, that's the thought that's keeping me awake.

fix

2010-05-13T22:48:00.003+08:00

i am stoked. but an hour ago i was so pissed because i went for a trim at the hairdresser's and the bloody stylist trimmed my hair a little too weird/thin. i don't know if i was overreacting or not since i was almost considering hair extensions (which i hate, because they are so fake). i still don't like my hair now apart from the fact that it looks healthier. but you know what? i've come to realize that i actually like my frizzy hair. i've been doing treatments and trims and everything for so long only to realize that when it's gone i feel so naked. and i'll be positive... at least now i'll take extra care to eat extra well so i'll have more vitamins and nutrients to feed my growing mane.

i digress, anyway. i am stoked. because you know i've always secretly kinda admired fellow libran gwyneth paltrow because she's married to the third piscean man of my dreams (edward cullen is second). i do browse her site goop, and some time ago josh mailed her a question (of what nature he still doesn't want to tell me) and... got a reply! i still don't know the question, but here's what she said.

"Many married couples understand intellectually that they won’t always experience that I’ve-been-drugged-by-love feeling in a long-term relationship. But many still believe that when the spark dies out, it means they’re in the wrong relationship, and seek something new. Long-term relationships survive on commitment and trust, out of which grows love. The mistake here is to believe that you can live forever on fireworks, or even just love, alone."

whatever it is... i am happy! because irom man's secretary actually answered a question about me (though i wasn't the one that asked. i don't even know what j asked, though it's not hard to guess). whatever, tres cool!

nom

2010-05-13T15:24:00.003+08:00

i am a major piggy. woke up at 11, decided to phone the other piggy to go grocery shopping so we can cook gordon ramsay's grilled salmon! then at the supermarket we bought like 5 boxes of durians and 10 mangoes for MANGO SHAKES wheeee!!! the salmon turned out so good with its crisp, crunchy skin and everything was well balanced with the tangy herb mash. then we made mango shakes!!! which would have tasted exactly like the one on phiphi island, if only kevin had white sugar in his house so we could make sugar syrup! who doesn't have white sugar in their house??? him. because he has cubed brown sugar........... cubed brown sugar. now i'm waiting for him to come over so we can feast on durians! hahaha. i wish everyday was like today oink!

i just browsed www.bakingbites.com (the site that got me started on baking) and came across a recipe for no-knead dinner rolls... guess what's for dinner? :D

okay, i think i'm making it sound like i eat alot but no! it's just abit of everything okay. haha.

-

2010-05-11T22:30:00.004+08:00

"i want the first diamond ring you wear on your finger to be from a man who will love you forever, regardless of what you do or how you look. and i am certain you know deep in your heart how sincerely i mean these lines i have said. all i ask of you, by wearing this ring, is to know your worth inside and out, and to never let anyone deny you of the love you are worthy of, just like the bountiful love you are able to give. when it rests on your finger, be reminded at that very second i am thinking of you; every second my mind is emblazoned with the thought of you. remember your worth Belle, Happy Valentines' Day. 14-02-10"

i don't even like diamonds. but some girls wait a lifetime for a rock like this, and my heart is already broken enough.

2010-05-09T20:58:00.002+08:00

i cried when i read this:

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

The Loss of a Heart-Dog

I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep. I could see that you were crying, you found it hard to sleep.

I whined to you so softly as you brushed away a tear, "It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."

I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea. You were thinking of the many times your hands reached down to me.

I was with you at the shops today, your arms were getting sore. I longed to take your parcels, I wished I could do more.

I was with you at my grave today, you tend it with such care. I want to reassure you that I'm not lying there.

I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key. I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said, "It's me."

You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair. I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there.

It's possible for me to be so near you everyday. To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."

You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew...In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.

The day is over now ... I smile and watch you yawning, And say, "Goodnight, God bless, I'll see you in the morning."

And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide, I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand, side by side.

I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see. Be patient, live your journey out ... then come Home to be with me.

------------

:'( i never want grapes to go...

weary

2010-05-07T20:28:00.002+08:00

grapes has the digits 050505 in the microchip embedded under her skin, just like my tattoo of the same number sequence. i am convinced we were made for each other. and that's apart from the fact that her birthday's the same as piggy and he was the one who suggested going to the pet shop where we eventually found her! :) i love her so much, no onE WoULD UNDERStand (she pressed the caps key)!

i miss the food i had in turkey a whole lot. the seasoned lentil and bean soups, fresh rocket greens with lemons, warm baked bread, cloyingly sweet baklavas and desserts, hot apple teas and the warm giant sourdough bagels sold on a pole by the streets, 20 lira apiece. can you imagine being in 5 degree weather and warming up your fingers/tummy with warm, chewy bread? most of all i miss the fat, juicy turkish figs bought from the spice market on the last night of out trip. naturally sweet, honeyed pouches of exotic goodness. i can't find any here in singapore except at jones the grocer, and they cost a fortune :(

heading out for supper now ciao!

aura

2010-05-04T14:25:00.002+08:00

i have been staring at a message from my lecturer on the school portal for an hour now because i cannot believe i passed my diploma, even though she wrote quite blatantly "Congratulations to everyone else, you have achieved Diploma status!" i am largely paranoid that i actually failed but they didn't put up my name to avoid embarrassing me or maybe i passed this, but failed attendance thus actually failing everything. i've got to stop being paranoid. i'm even thinking of whether i should go to school and ask my lecturer directly. i think it's partly because 2010 has not been good for me and this just seems too good to be true... and you know what they say about that.

anyway since my long awaited holidays are here, i am going to make sure i spend all my time well and not waste it! high up on my list is to go diving/snorkeling again. for my degree project i'll definitely work with something along the theme of marine life and underwater creatures. i am actually excited about it!

anyway my mom emailed me this (she always emails me very funny, random things), i think it's damn funny!:

INSTALLING HUSBAND !

A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly underBoyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed,
_______ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
Reply

DEAR Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. Html and try to downloadTears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..

However, remember, overuse of the above application can causeHusband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0(it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Good Looks 7.7..

Good Luck Madam!

promise ring

2010-04-29T23:36:00.005+08:00

haha. wishful thinking...

one night only

2010-04-21T12:47:00.002+08:00

yesterday for a moment i was happy because someone planted cupid shaving brushes around the school building. then things had to go downhill. went to town and walked around aimlessly and landed up browsing f21 when i randomly texted christie from the changing room, and after reading her reply it was like saving grace because she was alone in town too. (you know how happy i was when i saw your text!!!) then we went for lunch at wild honey! that place is really cosy and the part i like best was the couch we sat at because it sorta resembles the big orange couch in friend's central perk, which is like my dream cafe! walked around for a bit and cynthia came to join us after. i think it's been so long and i've forgotten how nice it was to spend time with girls. watched shutter island after that and man, the movie's so heavy. definitely not something to watch on an average day. had a very long talk with k when we went home and it just feels so good to speak your mind without having to worry about anything and think thoughts rationally. fed tigger!

on another note. never have i ever disliked someone i don't even know so much before. and all the pointless trouble that has resulted because of that one stupid person, makes me just want to be mean and nasty just for once, just this time, to take my stand and make damn sure i'm not treated like a doormat or back up plan. and i think that really opened a floodgate because it feels so good and i'm just going to speak my mind from now and not hide like what i did before because honestly, i want what i want, i know what i want and i'm not going to care about how other people think. just this once, be selfish.

stars

2010-04-20T01:14:00.003+08:00

if i go to sleep at night and never wake up, i can say that i've lived my life the way i'd wanted to live it. i've always believed that if you have something to say, say it and if you want to do something, do it right away because you'll never know what's going to happen in the next minute or hour or day, weeks... can you say that you've lived and savored every moment of your breath? every moment that you body is still warm with a beating heart? do you treasure every second you get to touch the love of your life? do you hold dear being able to shut away the world for an extended moment just to gaze adoringly at the one you love? do you stop to smell the flowers, the rain or watch the rays of the sun beating down from the trees? i do it, all of it. i do whatever i want. today i'll do more.

2010-04-17T15:06:00.005+08:00

I just realized I hardly blog about what I do in the day, so here's a recap of the week!

Monday- Went prawning with Kevin and Jeremy! It wasn't a fruitful day though 'cos the prawns we caught were the smallest ever, like really tiny. I think the experience was enough to snuff my interest in prawning. I still want to go offshore fishing though! Currently planning to hire a boat out to Malaysia. I hope there will be stingrays! As usual we barbecued the catch and I slapped so much butter onto the prawns that the fire got extinguished by the dripping oil... At least they tasted good! Vilasini came to join us and we went to watch When in Rome... I really like the idea of the Fountain of Love!

Tuesday- Omg, I forgot what I did. I think we played Risk!!! It is officially my favourite game, bye monopoly!

Wednesday- Went to chill with the guys at night. Bought crunch ice cream for eats. Yum! Kev and I are also thinking about doing a culinary diploma at Le Cordon Bleu Australia. I like textiles but I am not crazy about it.. On the other hand, I find myself surfing food blogs during lunch breaks and I have more recipe bookmarks compared to fashion on my web browser. And the reason I am looking forward to this semester's final assessment is because there's a high tea potluck at the end and I really want to bake my classmates a cherry pie and cakes and cupcakes and tartes!

Thursday- Hung out with Darren and Christie at Holland V! We had CJ congee and dim sum which was I think was really good even though I hardly eat Chinese food. Went to Breko after that and ended up talking about ways to incapaitate a robber if we got mugged in Johore. Haha! I think I have alot of ideas.. I'm not a violent person or anything but if someone tries to hurt the people I care about I think I can really go ape shit. Especially Grapes! Man, if anyone tries to hurt Grapes I'd do what Gerard Butler did to the the robbers that killed his family in Law Abiding Citizen.

Friday- Went to this fancy gourmet cooking shop with Kev intending to get a really sharp knife but nay, they didn't have the kind I want. Went home after that and we cooked Gordon Ramsay's Steak Diane! Sirloin steak grilled to brown perfection and drenched in a Worcestershire, mustard, cream and button mushroom sauce, accompanied with broiled Rosemary potatoes. Yum! I hope the guy I marry next time doesn't like Chinese food much because all I ever make are salads, stews, pasta and chili con carne! Rented DvDs after that and watched Law Abiding Citizen in which Gerard Butler's bare ass had a short cameo... Hahaha! Go Scotland! Silly Kev also finished a whole bottle of wine in one sitting and ended up so tipsy he couldn't even understand the movie. Then again I cannot make fun of him because if it was me I think just one glass is enough for me to end up on the floor.

Saturday- Went to Paragon! Then Spotlight to get materials. Digressing... I wish art students get grants for materials. The amount I've spent on pure silk fabrics, printing screens and inks are crazy!!! Then there's threads, embellishments and everything. I just hope it's all worth it! Watched Jennifer's Body and I think the director must hate Megan Fox because why would anyone want to make a hot girl act half demon? Inferiority complex?

After assessment I'm going to bake tons of chocolate chip cookies with Godiva chocolate chips and pack them in nice little bags for my friends. I also want to try out recipes from the Jamie Oliver book with Kev, meet up with SML, go to House at Dempsey for their godly fries with white truffle oil, and try out that dish at Spize Christie's friend said was better than xxx. Also looking forward to our Cambodia trip. 16 days of adventure!!!

Just received a belated Valentines' Day present! Was slightly apprehensive about it but after awhile I guess it's okay since I was quite sad that no one got me anything that day. Actually still quite :( bummed about it but I guess it's o.k.a.y. now. I guess.. Well, thank you, I really like it =)

x

2010-04-15T19:49:00.003+08:00

my final diploma collection.

---

title: obsession

medium: glass and cotton on indian silk

an obsession is defined as an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes one's mind. in this collection, the designer illustrates the way this complexed human behavior is conceived and burgeoned in the mind when a person is in love. a cacophony of colors and patterns at sixes and sevens portray the turmultuous emotions that come together with the mental state of ardent infatuation.

2010-04-12T00:36:00.003+08:00

i've had the same routine every night at 12am for the past year and i can't go to sleep if it's not done. that is to... read my daily horoscope. and at this moment i can't wait for tomorrow because the astrologer says:

You're due for some romantic excitement soon -- the kind that will keep you smiling for at least the next 24 hours, if not a lifetime. The individual responsible for putting a flush in your cheeks is arranging a lovely surprise for you -- something you'd never see coming. You are sure to reward them far beyond their expectations. Your gratitude really knows no bounds, and you're as cute as can be when you're happy.

---

for the first time i'm actually doubting the authenticity of horoscopes because it's just quite hard to believe this one. don't matter, i'm really looking forward to prawning tomorrow!

-

2010-04-10T23:21:00.004+08:00

my friends are saying (complaining) that i'm too down to earth. it really doesn't take much to make me happy... i don't want expensive dates, fancy cars or branded labels. i mean it when i say this because honestly i don't like them. but every time i people watch, i observe that girls who top to toe themselves with branded bags and labels and acrylic nails so long it seems like it impedes their movements have boyfriends who treat them so nicely and look at them with such an adoring gaze. something i don't think i'll ever..

remedy

2010-04-08T18:33:00.003+08:00

"are you an interior decorator?"

"no.."

"but when i saw you the room turned beautiful."

that's the nicest pickup line i've ever heard from anyone. he was a scottish transfer student, charming and incredibly witty (think gerard butler & his accent). but i'm a wooden block head and for reasons unknown, still largely in love with someone else. i keep on telling myself i'm going to regret all this in time to come. but that's what love is about isn't it? you know there are better people- there will always be someone better. but when you love someone you stick with them, for better or worse.

all i could bring myself to do was five minutes of small talk before i excused myself for a class i didn't have.

duality

2010-04-07T19:01:00.002+08:00

Wearing two faces each and every day,

Not knowing whether they are good or evil,

Actually they are both in one.

One minute they are up, the next down, then back again.

Do I like you or not?

Maybe I just sort of like you.

Love, hate, or in-between,

What mood will be seen?

Am I straight or am I gay?

I'm really bi, I bet.

Seeing both sides

To every situation, person,

Question, idea, feeling

And everything else,

Never really deciding one way or the other.

I know one minute

Something looks incredibly exciting,

Only to soon be dull.

But then when it is

Walked away from

It is desired again.

What is up with this

Indecisivness?

Then comes the relationships:

I want you, and you...

One day you think someone

Is sooooooo hot,

The next minute then they're

Not. But then when you see

Them with someone else

You think that person is

Desirable again.

So now it's fickle, jealous,

Whiny baby me.

See me I was yours!

Take me back please?

I can change (for a bit)!

Then it's back to one way

(or the other).

Really we are just

Two-faced people

Take it or leave it.

say it right

2010-04-07T18:01:00.003+08:00

i had lovely, full lips with a glowy reddish tint for the whole of today. full and red because they are swollen from taking a punch during muay thai this morning...!!! so deceptive, but they look really good now. save for the sting of the cut on my inner lip. way to go annaya!

er

2010-04-03T10:16:00.003+08:00

every night the dreams go along the same line. every night making me feel out of order like a demented harridan. freud theorized that dreams are projections of amplified events and thoughts gathered from waking life, and are outlet for the mind to regain balance and release pent up emotion. a certain re-configuration of the mind to equalize the mental state from its tipped extremities engineered every day, into us, through waking life. for me, its as if i enter a state of mania. does that mean i am too trite and phlegmatic in the mornings that i have to resort to camouflaging in the other-worldly embrace of sleep where no one can find me, just to dwell in the afterthoughts ideas presumptions imaginations deceptions capacities of my day? i don't want sleep to be the only place i can feel like myself. a composed rage, collective anger. contrition, for the better word.. i wonder if its my only door to absolution.

2010-03-30T00:18:00.003+08:00

i love my grandmother, and i've never even met her before. but countless times when i'm feeling down or upset i wished she was here to comfort me, that i could go home and hold her soft, waxy hands and listen to her tell me it'll all be okay. i keep wishing she'd appear in front of me to give me a hug, a smile... from what i know we both love sewing and baking. she used to embroider glass beads onto peranakan slippers to sell, and i have a sweet tooth, just like her. even my mom said that i'm more like my grandma compared to her. i wished i knew what it was like to have her around. i love you, i hope you'll know, wherever you are.

here

2010-03-28T22:39:00.002+08:00

i will from now, live every day knowing that if i were to die tomorrow i'd have no regrets.

nuit

2010-03-20T13:32:00.003+08:00

i dreamt i was in an old stone church in rome, visiting the site where i died. i think i was murdered... the corner was locked behind a small wooden door, in a dim candle lit corridor. it was a long time ago but every time i visited that corner, my blood that was splattered all over the floor was still red and fresh. i keep on asking you to look, why hasn't it dried? but you keep saying i don't know, i don't want to know. the pastor kept on telling me it was sad, so sad, what had happened. everything was in a third person narrative. "she was so young, and she had to wonder to the corner of this castle alone." i wandered out of that corner and went down a winding flight of stairs deeper into the basement. i was wearing a long light blue satin dress in the victorian style. i remember it was so hard to run in the dress. "he's chasing me, help, he has a knife." i found photos, love letters in your cupboard. packed up to be sent at a later time. i tore up the photos...everything. the letters. we were both prisoners. you murdered me. then i was in my next life, wearing maroon doc. martens and running along a desert village. "he fell off the ledge, he's badly injured." i leaped off the ledge, to save you. i landed squarely on my boots and put you in the recovery position. a medic comes along and says "you're doing it wrong." shakes his head. "do it right." i find myself in a jungle in what looks like cambodia. it was wet, raining. i saw you among the trees and you smiled. "let's go home." we walked back to the village, back to a hut with a river running at its front. i thought, thank goodness for these boots. there was a baby in a cot at the door. i look at you, puzzled. "we're home, do it right."

2010-03-16T17:05:00.003+08:00

you're sleeping on my bed with grapes and all i want to do is curl up beside you. but i don't dare to. i'm afraid i'll wake you, you sound so adorable snoring, i don't wan't you to stop. i'm just happy to have you close, happy to observe your carotid artery beating, happy to watch you from where i am now- right beside you. that's one place i don't mind being for as long i shall live. i love you, my pisces. because you taught me how to breathe underwater.

V

2010-03-14T02:35:00.005+08:00

view from the marina square bridge

ghostly piggy!

spent a good part of the day at suntec convention center for the i.t. fair where piggy is working at. i bought a nikon coolpix camera! great for casual shooting and overseas trips when i don't want to lug the dslr out (shots above taken with it). headed out for supper with the guys after that and on the way back we noticed a beautiful orange glow in the sky so we decided to find its source! turns out it was some incinerator plant conducting yearly flarings. pretty cool! i have much to accomplish today schoolwork-wise. doesn't help that all i can think about is diving/snorkeling/mango shakes.

11

2010-03-11T01:09:00.003+08:00

i ♥ it when we nap. but i don't sleep because i love hearing your heart beat when i press my face against your back. to feel your warmth, to have you so close. to take in every breath of you. the way you smell so familiar, so tender. i secretly whisper those three words in your ear, wishing you'd hear them in your sleep.

pure shores

2010-03-07T04:29:00.003+08:00

so tired but i'm not turning in yet because i'm still brimming from the adventures we had on phuket/phiphi/aonang and railay beach. we had so much fun just chilling, diving, snorkeling, kayaking, rock climbing, trekking... discovering the wonders of fresh mango shakes on a sweltering hot day (which was everyday), chocolate thai pancakes and street food. we did almost whatever we wanted wherever we wanted. the funny things that happened- zipping up our wet suits the wrong way and wondering why does the zipper go so high up the neck? aaron exclaiming to the dive master, "i can't breathe through my snorkeling mask!' the muay thai van going up and down the street blaring, "bangla stadium! bangla stadium!" one of the funniest ones was when kevin complained that my arms twitch when i slept and kept him up. i was adamant it didn't and so i waited almost an hour for him to fall asleep and found out he twitches as well! just that it was in a more retarded spasm from his feet-head up way. like a fit. i really thought he was just imitating me at first to make fun of me until i realized he was really asleep. i think i silently laughed myself to death after that.

everything was amazingly enjoyable. next up, cambodia and hopefully in time for the happy feet program. gonna snuggle up next to grapes for a change tonight. christie, darren, hueylee & aaron, hope you all had a great time too!

1.4

2010-02-25T10:22:00.003+08:00

we love and care about each other, we admitted it. we know we will always be there for each other, that's all i need. you said what we have is strong and valuable enough to withstand this and other things, i agree. we'll just take each day as it comes. be happy, live life. go backpacking, experience, take and treasure as it is.

ross+rachel

---------------------------------------------

film

2010-02-23T14:22:00.003+08:00

today i realized that i love being in front of the camera, instead of just behind it. i like the idea of freezing your feelings in time, all the better with an amazing photographer. i think it has changed the way i view photographs and cemented my preference for black and white portraits. we used a lot of things- songs, diary entries, text messages, memorabilia... it was so so so personal. i could be anyone i wanted to be. i cried, laughed, did a handstand, covered the place on my chest where my heart was with two red plasters. read the full length poem from eloise to abelard. i smudged my mascara on purpose, rolled over the satin chaise lounge, hid under it. i tried so hard not to be shy and for the first time in a long time i was just me, myself. i didn't have to conceal or hide because baring my soul through my shell was what i had to do. the photographs captured every moment so perfectly, so beautifully. i guess it is true what they say- that the subject matter is not itself it is when it is photographed, it appears as how the photographer's personal feelings depicts it to be. thank you for this gift. i don't think anyone else can photograph me that way.

i won't be uploading the pictures. they are too personal. maybe in future. and no, there is no nudity (because i know that was what you were thinking). they're all very beautifully taken and i've never seen myself that way before, so i just want to keep them for my own secret enjoyment for now.

k

2010-02-22T10:47:00.002+08:00

Night and day, you are the one

Only you beneath the moon

Or under the sun

Whether near to me, or far

It's no matter darling where you are

Day and night, night and day, why is it so

That this longing for you

Follows wherever I go

In the roaring traffics boom

In the silence of my lonely room

I think of you

Day and night, night and day

Under the hide of me

There's an oh such a hungry yearning

Burning inside of me

And this torment won't be through

Until you let me spend my life

Making love to you

Day and night,

Night and day.

bunny

2010-02-21T17:09:00.004+08:00

top: project pink ellsworth epiphany

bottom: ellsworth dare

the epiphany was recently crowned the holy grail of trail bikes. it's lightweight and imo super for female riders! i tested one today and it was so awesome (so was the price tag). it was so good, the moment i sat down i decided it was the best thing i've ever sat on (HA HA). joking. it's a smooth ride and very lightweight. the suss isn't fantastic but its weight would make cycling uphill sooo much easier!

huit

2010-02-21T01:46:00.003+08:00

the band for tonight at timbre @ old school was so bad. i requested for my favorite katy perry song and the singer sang it so badly that i don't think i like the song anymore. the patrons actually made weird faces when she started singing! thank god i didn't choose coldplay, else i think i'd just roll myself down the super long flight of stairs.

eyes

2010-02-20T01:29:00.005+08:00

on the way back from town in a cab, kev & i saw a car accident involving a mercedes backing up into a tree, in an awkward position and quite badly damaged. he confessed his first thought was that it must have been a female driver...!!! to a certain extent i believe men are indeed more apt drivers than women but to generalize the whole female populous!!! i cannot wait to get my license! i counted i'd have about 8 days to learn how to park without poles before my test date (16 march).

hurt locker was really good. you hear about the war in iraq all the time all over the news, but this movie portrays realistically the atmosphere in the country, how badly it has been ravaged by war and how different it just is from everything else we know. i would visit baghdad/iraq if i could, really. i've always wanted to go there. i have this need to want to photograph that place. i'm not crazy, ok? i'm just afraid of not living.

nom

2010-02-18T14:56:00.002+08:00

i think i'm losing my liking towards desserts... i just taste tested a piece of butter cake and i feel sick and sluggish now. it tastes really good! but i don't know... :( am actually craving for the lasagna more! gonna nap before we start off with the kitchen work.

i smell like butter cake now. hahaha

country

2010-02-17T12:50:00.002+08:00

Clouds carried me forward from there. Others were in the church—I knew that logically—but I saw no one. No one but Marlboro Man and his black tuxedo and white formal tie, and his new black cowboy boots he’d bought especially for the occasion. And his short hair, which was the color of pewter. He was a vision—strong, solid, perfect. But it was the smile that propelled me forward, the reassuring look on his face. It wasn’t a smug, overconfident smile. It was a smile loaded with emotion—thoughts of our history, perhaps. Of the story that brought us to that moment. Or maybe it was relief. Relief that we’d finally reached our destined end, which was actually a beautiful beginning. Maybe it was that we’d met by chance, and had wound up finding love...

aero

2010-02-16T22:02:00.006+08:00

i love packing luggage bags. absolutely love it. the idea of subsisting only on what's in a suitcase for an unknown period of time really excites me. i think, what should i pack, what should i bring? you learn to separate what you need from what you want, and i find that very therapeutic. it's like you have a whole room full of stuff but how much (or little) of it do you really need to survive? it brings to mind how much excess most of us actually live in.

my dream is to live out of a single luggage bag and travel. to photograph, to experience, to live. i've made up my mind that i really cannot die without first traveling around the world. there is so much potential and i want to explore that. i need to. i crave this nomadic experience so much that i rearrange the pieces of furniture in my room ever so often, just so it looks different. i love traveling alone but all everyone else focuses on are the dangers, the risks... only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live.

e.x.c.i.t.e.d.!

2010-02-16T01:04:00.002+08:00

i can see the dimples of venus on my butt now! hehe. am a happy girl! makes all my aches and early morning runs feel totally worth it.

status quo

2010-02-14T22:24:00.004+08:00

humanity is evolution. not so long ago i told someone not to beat herself up inside over a regretful mistake made but rather accept that and evolve. today i realize i should be practicing what i preach. i have evolved. i have changed in many, many good ways and i should really stop hating myself everyday, all day, thinking about the mistake i made and cursing the ground i was birthed on. i have only one regret in my life, and that is it. but i have punished myself enough and i have to stop now to grow in other ways. in the present that is now, there is nothing wrong with me. as a person, as a girl, as a lover, i don't think i have any faults. i am not saying i'm perfect, but i don't think there's anything else about me now that can be further altered.

i am fine now, there is nothing wrong. after everything i have gone though, i can say i have emerged wounded but definitely stronger and wiser. now, in the present. character wise, i know who i really am inside. i am incapable of being mean because i like people. i enjoy helping others and making people happy. but i know enough not to be taken advantaged of or be stepped over. i am genuine when i speak, because i am very bad at lying. i have a strong conscience and my morals, but not overly so that i see myself as superior to others. everyone is equal, to me. i love animals and care about their welfare, and very often donate to charities. i am compassionate, and my fault is perhaps i am overly so.

i'm the kind of girl who doesn't expect to be paid for or have expensive presents bought for me. i don't like designer labels because i genuinely think that they are frivolous. that does not mean i am frumpy or uncool. my tastes veer towards the eclectic and bohemian, not because i actively try to be different but because i'm naturally attracted to the unusual. i am as comfortable with myself with or without makeup, wearing flip flops or 5 inch stilettos. i enjoy getting down and dirty mountain biking as much as i like intricate sewing. i can cook and bake almost anything, this i am sure of. i scrub the toilet willingly on my own accord and not because i have to do so. i rather spend the weekend staying in watching a dvd than cramming out in town or clubs. it's not that i'm boring or straight-laced, but i believe there's a deeper meaning to life than constantly imbibing yourself with alcohol and dancing to garish laser lights.

my favorite flowers are not roses or lilies that cost 5 dollars a stem during festive seasons and you don't have to buy me a 99 flower bouquet. the only flower i like is classified as a weed and is readily available by the road. that's the kind of person i am. the real worth of something can hardly be judged by its monetary value. when i love someone i stick by the person through everything, because that's what i've been taught. if you genuinely love someone you accept them for everything they are, and you learn to smile through all the tears. when i love, i have enough love and care not just for him but everyone else around him. family, friends... it's just the way i work. everything comes a full circle and everyone is connected. if everyone is happy, i am happy. i don't try to be a people pleaser or bootlicker, and i don't do things just to get into someone's good books. it's just the way i am, i like seeing people happy, and i like to help. i love the earth. in the mornings i look at the rays of the sun beating down the trees and i think to myself how beautiful nature is. i love being eco-friendly and i use plastic bags only when i really, really have to. i cut down a lot on eating meat and my main source of protein are eggs because animals have a right to live too and i feel bad eating them. i do care about the environment, not because it's a fad but because i don't want to see animals die. i steer clear of synthetic fabrics even for school work and use only pure cotton because it takes so much more a toil on the earth to create synthetic fabrics.

i am smart. i get things quickly and i learn fast. i have my own mind and i speak it, but i do so after considering the feelings of those around me. i am not dim-witted, i can hold an argument on my own if need be but it is more likely in the form of a casual debate. i absorb information like a sponge. in particular i enjoy observing people and how they work. i observe every single detail- the way they move, their voice, the texture of their skin, their smell, the way they react to external stimuli, how they think, how to anticipate what they are going to do and how i can help, if i can. i study their body language, their handwriting, their ideas... not because i'm being creepy, because i enjoy knowing and understanding.

i'm not a demanding or controlling person. i will never expect from someone what i cannot give, and one of my life's mantras is that you cannot say you've never tried something. i want to grow both mentally and physically with the person i love, and growth and change just doesn't happen under constant scrutiny and possessiveness. i give him space, but i'll still be close enough if he needs me.

i dress pretty and keep in the know about fashion but i am not a slave to trends. i rather explore the clothing at shops in little india arcade than pay $60 for a teeshirt from top shop. i know how to dress up and my weakness is lingerie... i don't see why that's a problem. i workout and eat right because i enjoy taking care of myself and my body. i don't like fast food not because it's unhealthy. of course i know it is, but i just don't like it, simple as that. i'd rather have a salad, not because i'm counting my calories so i can fit into that skin tight dress, but because i just really like my veggies. i'm not trying to please anyone, this is just the way i am.

i don't bitch or gossip like a typical girl because i don't like conflict. i don't swear, not because i'm uptight, i just don't have that habit and i never will. i am honest, and i don't say one thing but mean the other. i don't drink or smoke, i rather go hiking than shopping and i'd drop everything the moment the love of my life needs help. i'm the kind of girl who'll stay by my guy through everything. even if he cheats on me. well, only if he still wants me... that's the person i am, inside and out. my love can only be shared with one person. i guess this is something some people just won't understand.

there is nothing wrong with me now, and i have to accept that. i really cannot go on blaming myself for the rest of my life, can i? i know my worth and myself as a person, and i have to respect myself. not hang on and be a spare tyre. if i let myself be that, if i let you come back at the end of it all because you cannot find the perfect girl of your dreams whom you'll be madly passionately in love with until the day you die, then what am i worth? i would just be degrading myself, and slowly everyone around me would to. you cannot love someone else if you don't love yourself first. and love and respect are like your left and right hands.

i do love you, by now you should know how much. if someone wanted to shoot you i'd run infront of you to take the bullet. but i am not going to hang around like a lovelorn puppy while you check out other girls and make them breakfasts etc. i can love you and put your needs in front of my own, i can give you everything no one else can but the moment you stop wanting me, i'll be on my way. because you can only love one person.

and my kind of love is definitely worth much more than just something to be kept on the side.

2010-02-14T00:22:00.003+08:00

i remember walking past you by the road in the afternoon. you were wearing an olive green singlet with black shorts, carrying your black nike bag. your spectacles were lime green. i think you just came back from the gym. at that time we haven't started talking yet. we just looked at each other and headed in different directions. that was four years ago... i wish we'd never spoken.

eloise to abelard

2010-02-13T22:28:00.002+08:00

For hearts so touch'd, so pierc'd, so lost as mine.

Ere such a soul regains its peaceful state,

How often must it love, how often hate!

How often hope, despair, resent, regret,
Conceal, disdain — do all things but forget.
But let Heav'n seize it, all at once 'tis fir'd;
Not touch'd, but rapt; not waken'd, but inspir'd!
Oh come! oh teach me nature to subdue,
Renounce my love, my life, myself — and you.
Fill my fond heart with God alone, for he
Alone can rival, can succeed to thee.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!

rant

2010-02-13T16:07:00.006+08:00

i really don't like chinese new year, the traditions and the vacuous beliefs. it's not that i'm trying to be a banana, or that i'm rude or disrespectful... i just find some aspects of the celebrations dated and pointless. like for example, shouldn't the new year be on the 1st of january? isn't that when the calendar year starts? it's not like we still follow the ancient chinese calendar right? one thing i find amusing are the oranges. they are yummy, yes. it's okay that people give each other oranges during this season etc... but using them as decoration? i see oranges in taxis, shelves, counters and all. and some go to the extent of calling them 'gold'. i know it's symbolic but... orange=gold? like really? i can understand people doing this about 3000 years ago in the ancient chinese dynasty but in this century? can't someone come up with a more relevant decoration?

and reunion dinners. in my opinion you need a separation to have a reunion, does that make sense? and why should families be separated anyway? a dinner is a dinner so don't call it 'reunion' and place so much omg omg importance omg omg to it. if it has that much meaning, eating with your family, do it as often as you can and not only once every year, just because it's the reunion dinner. i think relatives can be quite funny too. sometimes i think to myself, i know the name of courtney love's daughter and all of angelina jolie's children, and i still struggle remembering my relative's names. and i am very good with remembering names. a few days ago an uncle actually asked when i was getting married. EH HELLO I AM ONLY 19 YEARS OLD WTF?! in my mind the scene in saw iv, where the girl was being tied upside down and slashed suddenly played. bloody hell... you get my point? almost every aspect of this celebration is irrelevant in this day and age. we don't live in villages where everyone know everyone and everything about everyone anymore. i don't mean it in a bad way! sadly it just is not the case anymore? won't someone update our traditions?

and my biggest grouse? have you heard of the one where they say you shouldn't borrow or lend anyone anything during the chinese new year because if you borrow, you'll be borrowing for the rest of the year. vice versa for lending. it's so embarrassing that even my parents practice this. like, seriously! it's the same as believing that girls who're having their periods shouldn't step out of their rooms, or that men should go to work and women stay in the kitchen and do housework. and we don't practice this anymore because why? we have more knowledge now in this modern world that allows us factual thinking so why WHY subject yourselves to such outdated, antiquated, prehistoric beliefs!!!!!!??????

i'm not even going to talk about the garish music on repeat everywhere.

people say things they don't mean.

'why are you single?' .... 'my fiance is still waiting for parole.'

'why aren't you married yet?'.... 'i was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.' ... 'because i love hearing this question.'

'when are you getting married?'.... 'after we have children!'

'when are you going to have kids?'.... 'not after seeing the kind of kids you have!'

hahaha! ok ranting has made me feel better. happy chinese new year. tomorrow my goal is to complete 3/4 of my homework. go me!!!

o

2010-02-12T23:06:00.003+08:00

this is how taking care of your body should feel like... gratifying! i feel happier about alot of things now and i have so much energy to do my assignments without procrastinating. so, for more than a month now i've been doing this: for every tidbit/snack i want to buy, i put in equal amount money that it'll cost me into a piggy bank. then i don't buy it (obviously). this way i rarely if not ever eat calories i don't need. so this month i saved $xxx (yeah i feel like eating alot of things sometimes) and to reward myself an itty bitty bit, i got a pair of dr. martens weeeeee!!! genius right. i feel so much more motivated now. the only grouse i have is i should have gotten the boots in size 3 'cos they're a little loose... or are they supposed to be? either way i love them and i'm gonna wear them everywhere!

when i'm gone

2010-02-09T21:01:00.003+08:00

how much tears must we shed before we realize we should all be happy we have each other? you know why i'll never date a rich guy? because i believe that money is the root of all evil. i get alot of it, and i spend it just as fast because there's a million things i'd rather have than it. i'd rather starve, and be living in a one room hdb flat than be offered expensive material possessions. you might think i'm saying this without thinking, but if you were me any thing else would be heaven. i wish my family would sit at the table and have meals together. some of you think going home for dinner with your family is a dread? you don't know how much i'd give to have that. i envy people who have that. how many time's i've stood in front of the kitchen counter alone eating canned tuna? countless. and money is not even a problem. sometimes it gets so bad i wish my grandparents were still alive. how would it feel like to hold granny's soft, waxy hands while she comforts you? i don't know. i never had that. i miss them, and i barely even knew them. how does that feel? it sucks... because i've never had an older person i could look up to and think ''i want to be just like you when i grow up.''

nevertheless... i'm determined to not let my surroundings influence and predetermine my fate, and the person i become. i must be positive, at least now i know what paths to steer clear of in life. and how to rise above everything around me that is falling.

diary

2010-02-07T19:25:00.004+08:00

loving someone for who they are is not impossible, but neither is it easy. you have to learn to tune out of what's bad and just think of what's really important to you inside. but when you manage to get there, you feel like they are the only thing your eyes will ever see in a crowded room, and you'll think they're so amazing that the sun shines out their ass. sometimes you might feel like you want to blow their brains out with a revolver, or switch their toothpaste with white glue, but when that part's over you'll feel that everything is worth it.

i love you for who you are, entirely. i don't know any other way to put it :)

rant

2010-02-06T12:45:00.002+08:00

my fringe... oh my god. it makes me look so silly. i kinda like it, in a stupid way. no i don't! it's not a big deal because hair grows back. it. will. grow. back. emphasis on grow. i act like i'm all nonchalant about it but in fact it's really irking me! my thick, side swept fringe is now gone and in its place is a sparse crop of 'it's the trend now!' well thank you mister queen hairstylist but this is another reason to add to my list of why i never follow trends! never! jamais! i'm going to be extra nice to my mane now and religiously pop supplements into my diet so my hair will grow extra fast. i'll even give myself a head massage every night! please just grow out fast. which reminds me of what piggy kianpin said just now when i said i'll start eating zinc supplements. "zinc? just go find those old houses and chew on the zinc roof..." !!!

c

2010-02-04T13:41:00.002+08:00

i hate chinese new year. i'm always home with nothing to do, bored out of my wits and everywhere's closed. think i'm gonna spend it doing homework... sigh.

feet

2010-02-04T00:03:00.005+08:00

this is my favorite design, because i made it for you.

nuit

2010-02-03T22:35:00.003+08:00

nazar, inspired by the turkish nazar boncuk.

i would follow you wherever you go. would you let me?

5 loaves

2010-02-01T20:38:00.001+08:00

A little boy of thirteen was on his way to school
He heard a crowd of people laughing and he went to take a look
Thousands were listening to the stories of one man
He spoke with such wisdom, even the kids could understand

The hours passed so quickly, the day turned to night
Everyone was hungry but there was no food in sight
The boy looked in his lunchbox at the little that he had
He wasn't sure what good it'd do, there were thousands to be fed

But he saw the twinkling eyes of Jesus
The kindness in His smile
And the boy cried out
With the trust of a child
He said:

"Take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all to feed them all"

I often think about that boy when I'm feeling small
And I worry that the work I do means nothing at all

But every single tear I cry is a diamond in His hands
And every door that slams in my face, I will offer up in prayer

So I'll give you every breath that I have
Oh Lord, you can work miracles
All that you need is my "Amen"

So take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
I hope it's not too small

I trust in you.

spiral

2010-01-31T21:15:00.004+08:00

so i am developing patterns based on this xsecretx formula this semester. never mind the fact that i got an f9 for o'level math. but i can't say i tried, i just had other subject priorities at that time. so, i cannot die without saying i never really tried! (that is my mantra, but i really am going to die without ever going to a prom, which is the saddest thing ever. a huge part of my tertiary education rite of passage gone just like that! i hold my secondary school responsible. probably lasalle too, but more of the former...) digressing... i really like the basis and the figure this formula demonstrates. i think if i explore it further interesting things will and can happen! when mashed up with other spices... i hope it'll do good (great).

reminisce

2010-01-30T23:29:00.005+08:00

i remember when you had to nag at me countless times to keep my wardrobe and study table neat and organized. i remember how messy it was. you even sat down with me to help fold/arrange things. how long ago was that? now, i can't even stand it when a piece of clothing/book is out of place. everything has to be organized. you stuck by me through all those little big things. now's my turn.

hamsa

2010-01-29T22:25:00.005+08:00

who am i and what is my objective here on earth? i desire to be attuned to earth and mother nature. i want to be, some day, at one with the world and its cosmic powers because i believe everything in the galaxy is connected. i want to explore the possibilities of parallel universes, to have my human heart beat strongly enough to accept the world, the way its infinite resources operates and venture into unknown realms. i believe in every religion, legend, folklore. i wish i could be so attuned with my six senses and aware of my aura and that of everything else that i'll completely be a vessel in which the universe and its stars can transpire. are we all fractals, waiting to be returned to our source? no one is 'only human'.

in a parallel universe somewhere, you and i are old and madly in love. i see you smile at me with your greying hair while you hand me a bunch of cupid's shaving brushes, like the same one you gave me 50 years ago, and i think to myself how much of an angel you still look like to me... now and for eternity.

locomotion

2010-01-29T15:05:00.003+08:00

lunch.

my vs order is here! the whole package arrived smelling like coconuts because the bottle of lotion i got popped open in the mail. now my room smells like coconuts. i love it, smells beachy!

decided to sew my own laptop sleeve! why? because the ones sold over at apple are not aesthetically pleasing and overpriced.

and i have a crush... on a girl. i am crazy. i dreamt she was sad, and crying. all i wanted to do was to hug her and protect her from the rest of the world. i think it has something to do with our sun signs.

straight from the...

2010-01-28T22:05:00.003+08:00

heart :) i love you.

fvr

2010-01-28T19:51:00.005+08:00

i speak english, chinese, french, malay and a smattering of italian. so why, when it comes to you i am lost for words? i love and absorb languages easily because i get peeved when i read something and don't understand what it's saying. you know the feeling, when you're in a foreign land and all the signboards hold only pictorial meaning? you feel lost... i don't like that. so i soak up as much as i can when i have the chance to. but have you realized that for the most important conversations sometimes, you just can't find the right words to say, if you can find any at all? if i could let you into my mind for maybe just 10 minutes, you'll understand the riot.

x

2010-01-27T19:22:00.002+08:00

genesis

2010-01-25T21:40:00.002+08:00

sometimes i wish you were the only man on earth. and i was the only woman. i'd never eat from the tree of life, and we could stay in the garden of eden forever. simple as that.

beep

2010-01-25T15:51:00.004+08:00

manish arora- designer du semester deux. this dress is amazing, no? i can relate to it, and the neon pink lipstick. it's not chic (it doesn't have to be), it's kitsch. and loud, it sucks your eyes in. i like!

caught the flu/sore throat buggy from my mommy :( it's bad. i'm aching all over and feeling very drowsy but i'm still going to have to do my v&p assignment because i intend to keep my new year's resolutions.

x

2010-01-24T21:39:00.001+08:00

All my bags are packed I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin' it's early morn
The taxi's waitin' he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I tell you now, they don't mean a thing
Every place I go, I'll think of you
Every song I sing, I'll sing for you
When I come back, I'll wear your wedding ring

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go...

c'est fine.

2010-01-21T20:51:00.002+08:00

today, i ended school at 8pm. today, i went for an x-ray and realized that my coccyx is not only bruised but fractured in two places. today, i ran all the way home despite the pain, with my 7 pound laptop, worried that something bad had happened to you. today, i realized i really cannot go on doing things like that anymore. my weakness is that i am just too nice (stupid). i care about people when i shouldn't. maybe it is true that i give in too much? i can't help it... i'm the kind of person who'll tear while reading reports about haiti and the likes. i just like being nice. i enjoy caring.

today, i realized i really shouldn't. for my own good/sanity.

but if i stop caring... what would that make me?

ouch

2010-01-20T12:11:00.000+08:00

went mountain biking with kevin (just realized i've never called him by this name before!) yesterday evening and i had a really really bad fall. worst in my life! and i hardly fall while cycling :( the weight of my entire bike and body sandwiched and landed squat on my tailbone. hope it gets better soon 'cos i'm not very keen on seeing a doc. it is hurts soooooooo much!!!

onyx

2010-01-18T20:55:00.002+08:00

just came home from a run. i can't care about dark corners or alleys anymore. now i don't find them scary, but peaceful. like an escape. i enjoy working out so much now because when i do, it's only me keeping my body going. when i hit the wall i force my own two feet to keep going. it hurts so much, but it makes me feel so good. school's a drag, feeling weary... how long will i wait?